It’s beautiful Sedona, Arizona on a quiet Saturday afternoon in the middle of a spiritual retreat. I’m supposed to be here to strengthen my connection, find myself and get a clearer picture on where I’m headed. That is if my life would just freaking cooperate.
Hubby called this morning angry that there wasn’t more money in the bank. My dad called upset that I hadn’t talked to my sister in law, who lives 2 miles from him vs. my 2 hours, about some minor plans for a family gathering. My 24 year old son was having an Aspergers meltdown and my 21 year old daughter was mad that I didn’t take her call the night before! Then there was my daytime job blowing up my phone because they couldn’t find a folder that I had left in plain sight. REALLY!
My leader looked at me and asked if there was something I wanted to add to the group. I knew I couldn’t answer because if I did, I was not going to be able to hold everything in. I just shook my head in answer, hoping that she would pass me by. However, being the amazing leader she is, asked that one question that just blew the top off of everything: “Kim, is it easy being you?”
“Hell NO it’s not easy being me!” And there it was! The core of everything in a nutshell! It was not easy being the person I thought I had to be. I was being an actor in my own movie, playing so many different parts I didn’t know who the real me was. I tried to play the Good Wife, Mother Theresa, America’s Favorite Daughter and Manager all at the same time. Let me tell you honestly, I was not winning any awards in any one of those roles.
So, how do I be me? At that point, I had no idea who “Me” was. I was terrified to let anyone of those people down. Truth, I was only letting myself down over and over again. I had set up such high standards for myself I couldn’t help but fail. Can you see the vicious cycle I had going?
First thing I had to do was to let go of my perception of their expectations. You see, not one person told me I had to do everything on my own. I just did because it was easier to do it myself (or so I thought). When I spoke to Hubby about the finances, he had a clearer picture of where we were headed which alleviated his fears. My dad thought I just wanted to handle everything because I always did and was happy to help in any way he could. My son reached out to a close friend to help him through his anxieties which helped him realize that there was another option for him when the meltdown happens again. My daughter said she wasn’t mad, she was worried because I always take her calls.
As for who the real me is? Well, that’s a work in progress. But I can promise you that it is definitely a lot easier being me! And wouldn’t you know it, it’s a lot more fun being me!
If you are in that spot of playing the perfect roles in your life, stop and ask yourself “Is it easy being me?” If not, stop. Stop playing the roles you think you should play, have conversations with your loved ones, your work and most importantly, yourself. Set boundaries, be gentle with yourself and then go play! And, of course, if you need some guidance in finding out who the real me is, I’m just a call a way!